Just kidding. I bet you didn’t do any of the weird shit that I did!

Middle school is kind of a joke. Middle school is where you send those awful prepubescent gremlins who are in the most awkward and unpleasant phase of their lives. Give them their own special school to destroy so they don’t bother cute little children or stupid but slightly less awkward teenagers. Nothing you do in middle school matters.  Nobody cares what kind of grades you got or how often you were in detention. Nobody cares what you were like at all. You were stupid. Everyone was terrible. It was the worst.

I didn’t understand why anyone expected me to take it seriously. If my grades won’t affect my future in any way… why bother applying myself in school? They would tell me it was good practice. I needed to develop good homework habits and blah blah blah. The thing is, I knew I could do the applying myself thing and that was good enough for me. I felt no need to prove it to anyone else. I was going to be fine. I don’t think I was wrong about that. I got good grades in high school, I went to college, I graduated with honors. I’m fine. I knew I would be. I also knew that I would have to apply myself in high school, and college, and in life. So it made sense to get all the slacking out of my system when it didn’t matter. I also acted like an insane weirdo because I could. That is the only reason. I got away with it and it was fun and I liked attention so I did a lot of weird things. Here’s a condensed list of weird shit I did in middle school…

Dressed Like A Freak

There is no other word for it. I wore only pink or baby blue. I wore sweatpants with poncho’s and ugg boots. It’s not even bad fashion its just not a thing. It’s cool I had a valid reason.

Pretended to be an Alien

I was a Faria Wtchi from the planet Tageela Tapaio. Every one of my teachers and peers believed that I believed I was from outer space. It’s actually a great creative writing tool because by pretending to be an alien in my actual life, I would be asked questions that forced me to be incredibly detailed in defending my imagined logic. It’s like method writing if that were a thing.

Carried Multiple Notebooks About Imaginary Planets

One in English (to help the humans understand my people) and one in my made up alien language that was literally just scribbles. I had an entire notebook filled with scribbles. I would sit and make additions to my scribble notebook often.

Had A Knitting Problem So severe, Scarves Were Permanently Banned From The District

Taught A 2nd Grader About Fallopian Tubes.

In 6th grade we were given a creative writing assignment. I always went above and beyond turning in up to 30 pages of work when only 5 were expected. I just had that many ideas and could not turn off my steroid drowned brain. (Why was I on steroids in 6th grade?!!?!?!?)

One particular writing project coincided with our sexual education unit. This was unfortunate because I thought that many of the names of reproductive organs were beautiful… so I named many of my characters after them… The local elementary school then asked us to come share our work with their 2nd grade students. We were each paired up with a kid and we read them our stories. I read my incredibly long alien book featuring “Princess Falopia” and the evil “Vas Deferens” to a second grader who definitely went home from school with a drawing inexplicably labeled ‘Vas Deferens.’

Thought Kids Who Giggled at The Word Penis Were Stupid

Because they are. And also because my mother was all about teaching her two year old anatomically correct words. Even if that meant 2 year old Bro would torment her cranky and very elderly babysitter by running around the house repeatedly shouting “penis and vagina!” She quit…She believed me to be possessed…

 Volunteered to Read Aloud In Sex Ed

I ended up reading about half of the book aloud to the class in a very mature and professional tone. Don’t get me wrong I was not mature about sex.

Invented A “Sperm Dance”

It was a very moving interpretive piece that followed one little swimmer on his journey from ball sack to egg… Or maybe it was a 12 year old flailing around like a fish laughing hysterically in the back of the classroom and landing herself in yet another lunch detention.

We Were Prudes

In 8th grade health class we were supposed to write a paragraph about our sexual intentions in life. I wrote that I did not plan on becoming sexually active until I was in a stable marriage, financially viable, and in the position of wanting children. I’m sure I believed that too. You want to do what on our honeymoon? Screw that show me your 401-K.

Created A Performative Ceremony To Show Appreciation For Substitutes

My teachers normally never let me get away with singing and dancing in class because duh. But substitutes didn’t know better and I took advantage. One day I told the sub that I had written her a song to thank her for coming to our class. She thought that was sweet and allowed me to perform it in front of the class. Thank god I was the center of attention again. I believe the song was actually a chant… Who am I kidding, I remember it word for word…

feesh-taco-budgie-water
our king aye-ay-yah
ay ay aye-ay-ah
aye-ay-yah
ay ay aye-ay-ah

repeat several times and toss some kneeling and bowing in there and… you get the idea. At least it wasn’t The Pregnancy Song!

Had A Number of Original Songs That You Would Sing In The Halls

In fact by 7th grade I had compiled my many songs into a book which I carried with me throughout the day. They were all to the tune of popular ballads like’My Country ’tis of Thee’ but they were about the things I was ‘obsessed with” There was the classic “My Budgie ’tis of Thee” and of course and the unforgettable “When you Weesh Upon a Feesh”. I was reprimanded many a time for causing a commotion with my singing. Reasons to never let your children participate in musical theatre.

Befriended The Lunch Ladies

They adored me because I was very polite. I was in fact the only student who would bow in appreciation and adorn the staff with original songs. They found my antics amusing since they didn’t have to deal with them whilst trying to maintain order in a class filled with gremlins.

Carried An “Obsession Book” That Listed Various “Obsessions”

I was misusing the word obsession. They were actually just my interests, things I liked, and inside jokes between me and my friends. I actually had an entire box filled with these books that I would carry with me to all of my classes. Only one teacher ever questioned the box. I insisted it was something I needed for my next class. She let it go. It was best not to ask me too many questions. I had an answer for everything.

These included things like pie, forks, llamas, candy, and about 500 other items.  budgies were the most prominent obsession though. I had an entirely separate book about budgies. And information pamphlet that I would hand to students who asked me what a budgie was. In my THIRD notebook about budgies I would draw budgie cartoons and list the various budgie personalities like ‘ballet budgie’, ‘mariachi budgie’, ‘wistful budgie’, and ‘slutty budgie.’

Talked To Trees During Recess

Dance with them… hug them… I loved me some freaking trees. Several messages in my yearbook reference these events. Don’t worry I didn’t exclude other plants, that would be rude. I was happy to converse with just about any plant or inanimate object. On one particular occasion I had gotten off the school bus and stopped in my front yard to lay in the grass. My neighbor passed by my yard and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was talking to the grass people.

Turned In Sarcastic Homework

I think a lot of kids this age start to develop that absolutely horrible “I know everything and everyone else is stupid” attitude. I handled this by turning in incredibly sarcastic homework assignments. In English we had to read a really awful book that I hated and each week we were to turn in a reflection on what we had read and a prediction on what would happen. I would write things like “I think the Indians will scalp both main characters and that the rocks in the river will grow wings and fly miles to cover Dewey and his Grandmother in their shallow graves.”

Asked People to Call You Jasmenina Okabodgi Feeshoflander Housentobi Lemonini Lollyooven Pinderdroten Penaco Pandimonium Hairlington.

I told them it was my nickname. I said it so many times that I still remember it to this day and can recite the entire name in about 4 seconds flat.

Read Creative Stories Aloud In Class

It took an incredibly long time because half of my characters had names like this. The other reason is that it was difficult for me to maintain composure while reading things I found so funny. I was really good at maintaining composure while marching into elevators and sitting cross-legged on the floor with my back to the door. I was really good at maintaining composure when I walked up to strangers and non-consentually hugged them. I Was really good at maintaining composure while convincing people that I was a space creature. But for whatever reason I could not say “Jasmenina okabodgi feeshoflander housentobi lemonini lollyooven pinderdroten penaco pandimonium hairlington then told her sister Elanoria lavender bemidji budgie hinderdroten yoshi mochi rudolph elmo hairlington to kindly go clean her room,” without bursting out in hysterical laughter.

Budgingo’s…

I carried around about 7 of those really creepy pens that were shaped like birds complete with feathers and googly eyes. I called them my budgingo’s (like budgie-flamingo) and I talked to them of course.

Greeted Everyone In The Halls With Names You made Up For Them

Even if I knew their names I would say “Hello Maud” or whatever. On one particular occasion I apparently walked up to a girl in the hallway on her first day of school and said “HELLO CLARICE.” (This was before I had seen the Silence of the Lambs… but not before she had…)

I only know this because in high school I was working on a project and someone said “Hey remember how weird you were in middle school?” and we started reminiscing. This one girl realized who I was and said “OH MY GOD YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME” and told me what I had done. My other friend then mentioned that she used to be afraid of me in middle school and that whenever my friends and I walked her way she would cross her fingers and hope that we didn’t prey on her.

Called One Girl “Beard” For 3 Years

I didn’t like her so I told her that she had an incredibly long grey beard on her face. Apparently she couldn’t see it.

Ran Through The Halls Screaming “It’s a Tripple Penguin Travesty!”

Try doing this in your adult life. You’re way less likely to get away with this kind of shit now.

Had Two Lockers

Because I was being bullied obviously. I had numerous encounters with my locker neighbor and eventually the school decided that the best course of action would be to move me to a locker down the hall. So I had the code to two separate lockers. I also brought a lot of weird notebooks to school and had more weird stuff at home so this was perfect. Now I had space for all of it! My friends and I brought in a few stuffed animals, who we referred to as our boyfriends because we were cool… Those lived in what was dubbed the “boyfriend locker” a few of my “heart-soul” watercolor paintings (my word for abstract art) made their way in there along with a “friendship pie” a portrait of a llama in a poncho.. my boyfriend Yoshiko… and the letters I wrote to Yoshiko… my boyfriend… the llama…

Got Called Into The Office Because of Stuffed Animals

Eventually the school went to change the locker combination and discovered everything. I was called into the office to see Shelly. This was a common occurrence. Shelly had concerns about me. It’s a marvel I was never referred to a counselor. It was a service that was offered to me on a number of occasions but nobody ever insisted… So I knew Shelly. But this time she had a pile of stuffed animals, letters, heart-soul paintings, a concrete pie, and a picture of a llama in a poncho on her desk. “Are these your belongings?” She asked. “Umm.. Yes…” I said as I collected my things and headed back to class. Again I think she figured it was better not to ask.

Pretended to be Afraid of Brick Walls and Spoons

For attention.

Punished For Improper Use of the Bathroom

I thought it would be funny to walk into the bathroom, lock myself in a stall, and start screaming and banging on the wall as if something really horrible was happening to me in there.

Created a Need for Rules Regulating Cutlery Usage

I would scream every time I touched a spoon or knife. I would also take a handful of forks at lunch and have ‘fork-fests’ in the cafeteria which just involved throwing a lot of forks and causing problems for everyone around me.

Raise Your Hand In Class To Tell The Teachers That Their Epidermis Was Showing

My gym teacher screamed and checked to see that her fly wasn’t down…

Creative Note Passing

First I invented a code alphabet that only my friends and I knew so that if caught, teachers wouldn’t be able to read our notes. In my science class they had tennis balls on the bottoms of all the chairs to prevent them from scratching the floor. I would then remove these, place my notes inside, and roll them across the floor. Once they removed the tennis balls from the class I would fold my notes into origami swans, go to sharpen my pencil, and leave the swan by the sharpener for my friends to find.

Refusal to Wear Shoes

I was always in trouble for not wearing shoes. I continued to do this.. My high school pottery teacher was cool with it.

Every Time A Teacher Asked A Question, Raising Your Hand to Say “TACO”

My teacher would continue to call on me because I was very good at pretending to think long and hard about the answer before making a very convincing “oh I know it!” face. All I ever had to say was “TACO!”

My History Teacher Liked Me… This is weird (for me)

We did lots of acting projects in his class and I was all about that. I went above and beyond with these kinds of projects, bringing in props and writing scripts where other students would simply improvise. I put myself in charge of a number of projects. To this day this teacher shows the video of my news report on WWII as an example to students (much to the chagrin of both of my younger brothers who have since taken the class). It was called “The Spiffy Penguin News” Fortunately I had at least three penguins in my locker to use on set. Some poor girl had to be my co news anchor and read the script I gave her which featured a myriad of irrelevant comedic skits that she was just not executing well. At one point she read stage directions out loud and got some serious side eye from me.

I Told You I Was Weirder Than You…

These are just a few of my many middle school antics. This is what I did with my life back when I was a gremlin and nobody was paying attention. After 8th grade was over I made a conscious decision to start taking life more seriously. I knew how to be “normal.” I would go home from school at the end of each day and was very much myself. And that’s how I behaved when I went to high school. People said things to me like, “Wow you’ve really mellowed out a lot since middle school.” It was pretty funny. I feel like I made the most of middle school and took advantage of the whole middle school not mattering thing. I have some pretty great stories and nobody in my adult life has to know!

The Past Always Comes Back To Haunt You…

In 8th grade my teacher had us all write letters to our future 18 year old selves. She said she was going to mail them to us when we graduated from high school. I didn’t think she would actually send them especially since she was retiring that year. But she did… A week after my high school graduation I received a letter in the mail from middle school Bro. It was all about how I needed to spread awareness about my planet using my ever increasing fame and influence. It told me not to worry about the silly humans because soon we would be back on Tageela Tapaio. It was… the ranting’s of a mad woman. Everyone else got cute letters from their gremlin selves. I got that…

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