I have always really loved goats. A lot. Perhaps, because I spent many summer’s in Door County when I was growing up. Anyone who’s been there can tell you about the restaurant with the grass roof and the little goat ladder. The place has freaking goats that climb all over the roof and it’s amazing!!!! Maybe it’s just that feeling you get when you look into a goat’s eyes and are met with that soothing and completely vapid expression.
Have I not told any stories for a month? Oops… I’ve done a million things. Most of them relatively average. WHAT?! I know… Being a grown up is exhausting.
Ummm things I have done…I attended the air and water show in Chicago. It was very crowded, incredibly hot, rather sandy, and much too loud. I had several adult beverages and drunkenly lamented my deceased dog’s butthole (I didn’t realize until my dog died that the only photo I had of her was of… well…the back and not the front). Perhaps it’s poetic justice that my ass was bitten by a spider at a BBQ the following evening. It could also be entirely unrelated. The results of the formal investigation are still pending.
I guess the most interesting thing I did in recent history was get married. Maybe that’s a story? I didn’t exactly get real married but it was technically more official than my last pretend wedding, as it did involve legally binding paperwork. Continue reading “My Civil Union”
Just kidding. I bet you didn’t do any of the weird shit that I did!
Middle school is kind of a joke. Middle school is where you send those awful prepubescent gremlins who are in the most awkward and unpleasant phase of their lives. Give them their own special school to destroy so they don’t bother cute little children or stupid but slightly less awkward teenagers. Nothing you do in middle school matters. Nobody cares what kind of grades you got or how often you were in detention. Nobody cares what you were like at all. You were stupid. Everyone was terrible. It was the worst.
In an attempt to quell my insanity the school decided to ban all scarves from its classrooms permanently. Students were permitted to wear scarves to school and outside during recess, but once indoors the scarves were to stay in our lockers. They never said it but everyone knew it was because I had personally made scarves a hot button issue.