The Time I Faked an Internet Pregnancy

I have not posted in forever. Again. I’m so sorry to disappoint the masses who cling to my every word, desperately anticipating my next story. I suck. I really do. Even my mom just texted me, “You’re terrible.” All because I faked a pregnancy on the internet, COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT.

I’ve been distracted lately. Planning for a wedding tends to entirely consume the fragile mind of a woman. I mean, it is true that the female brain is only capable of focusing on one single thing at a time. The prospect of “multitasking” is so overwhelming to ladies, that just hearing the word causes 80% of them to faint on the spot (Source: Science). That’s why there is no such thing as a working mother. Scientists believe that this problem is directly related to menstruation and of course that makes perfect sense.  So for me it has been a challenge to consider anything other than flower arrangements, seating charts, and sparkly shoes.

I was delving into my invitation options when a light bulb suddenly appeared overhead. I thought it rather curious, but I could not focus on light bulbs because I had an idea! I would mail out a double sided invitation. On the front my fiancé and I would be pictured holding a sign that reads, “We’re Expecting.” On the other side the sign would read, “To see you at our wedding.” It was brilliant.

I knew that college writing class would pay off someday! I remembered that the first line of any piece of writing should be carefully crafted to draw the reader in. “We’re expecting” was perfect! It would create anticipation as readers contemplated WHAT we might be expecting… A blizzard? Tacos for dinner? death? Then they would turn the card, and find themselves invited to my wedding. They’d be filled with joy and excitement for the most important day of my life. The day that I would go from being an average unloved woman, to a human man’s permanent property.

I had the most wonderful photos taken! I was so excited I couldn’t wait to send out invitations! My friends were dying to see my beautiful engaged face, and I was dying to flaunt my happiness to frenemies near and far who wouldn’t be lucky enough to receive an invitation. So, I decided to post this photo on Social Media for the benefit of the general public.

Imagine my surprise when I learned that people COMPLETELY misinterpreted my engagement picture! I was simply SHOCKED to find that some had taken this photo to mean I was with child… Do I look pregnant in this picture? Is it because I’m fat?? What an unreasonable assumption! How was I supposed to know that the phrase “we’re expecting” is associated with pregnancy announcements?? And even if I did know, how could I be expected to remember that AND plan a wedding at the same time?!?! I’m a mere woman for Goodness sake!

Ok… I admit it… women are capable of multitasking… Also, I did it on purpose… I put a picture on social media intending to convince people that I was pregnant, as a prank. But to be fair, nowhere does the image say WHAT we are expecting…  Also, everyone lies on the internet. It’s SO easy… How are weirdo’s like me meant to resist the temptation? Plus work is WAY more fun when you’re faking an internet pregnancy. Trust me! You can always pretend you had no idea what people would take “we’re expecting” to mean…It doesn’t work. It especially doesn’t work if you’ve faked a marriage once or twice in recent memory. You can try using any number of terrible excuses.

When that doesn’t work, all you can do is apologize… So…

To my partner: I’m sorry I lied to all of your friends and family. I shouldn’t have faked a pregnancy and included you in this nonsense against your will… Even if you did agree to pose for this photo in the first place… And even if you did sarcastically tell me that YES this prank was a GREAT idea and I should DEFINITELY do it, knowing full well I do not understand sarcasm…

To my Facebook Friends: I know you’re all deeply invested in my reproductive choices. I am so sorry that I broke the unspoken Facebook code of ethics and misinformed you about certain aspects of my life. I should never have lied to any of you about this because it is absolutely your business. After all, the world needs to know if I will be unleashing my hellish spawn anytime soon so they can take all necessary precautions.

To all the real Parents: I hope I didn’t destroy the sanctity of childbearing/rearing for you (like I destroyed the sanctity of marriage with my foolishness). You guys are rock stars and I am not fit to join your ranks.

More Goat Problems

I have always really loved goats. A lot. Perhaps, because I spent many summer’s in Door County when I was growing up. Anyone who’s been there can tell you about the restaurant with the grass roof and the little goat ladder. The place has freaking goats that climb all over the roof and it’s amazing!!!! Maybe it’s just that feeling you get when you look into a goat’s eyes and are met with that soothing and completely vapid expression.

My Civil Union

Have I not told any stories for a month? Oops… I’ve done a million things. Most of them relatively average. WHAT?! I know… Being a grown up is exhausting.

Ummm things I have done…I attended the air and water show in Chicago. It was very crowded,  incredibly hot, rather sandy, and much too loud. I had several adult beverages and drunkenly lamented my deceased dog’s butthole (I didn’t realize until my dog died that the only photo I had of her was of… well…the back and not the front). Perhaps it’s poetic justice that my ass was bitten by a spider at a BBQ the following evening. It could also be entirely unrelated. The results of the formal investigation are still pending.

I guess the most interesting thing I did in recent history was get married. Maybe that’s a story? I didn’t exactly get real married but it was technically more official than my last pretend wedding, as it did involve legally binding paperwork.

The Time Stumbled Into Wonderland

This past weekend was three whole days long thanks to labor day. I never really appreciated labor day until this year, because this year is the first time I have truly been a part of the American workforce. Labor day is fantastic. I literally got paid to not go to work. I realize this is a thing that occasionally happens to most people with full time jobs… but it’s a new thing for me and I find it incredibly bizarre and thrilling.

My roommates and I were headed to brunch (getting paid to go to brunch is amazing) when we bumped into our next door neighbor, whom we have had fairly limited contact with in the past year or so. (The story of our past interaction probably deserves it’s own post as it involves breaking and entering as well as penis cookies) He mentioned that he was hosting a party later and that we were more than welcome to stop by. Cool, we thought as we headed down the street, maybe this will be a good way to get to know our neighbors.

Confession

So you may have noticed that I recently became affianced. Soon after, I realized that meant I was going to get married? I am trying to process this life event and here’s what’s going on in my brain… “Whoa. This is kind of a big deal. There are so many things to panic about. I should probably focus all of my emotional energy on the most significant element… The thing that’s really at the core of my impending marriage.” So obviously I have decided to fixate on the fact that I will be required to complete the sacrament of reconciliation.

Let’s back up. I’m not a super religious person. I was raised Catholic… Or raised by people who were raised Catholic… So when I tell people I’m Catholic, what I really mean is that my parents made me go to Sunday school until I was done with my first communion. I have maybe gone to church once a year since then and only to convince my devout grandmother that I am not Satan.  

The Time A Man Proposed to Me in a Cemetery

I love cemeteries. Not in a morbid depressing way, though I do have a dark sense of humor (Martin Macdonagh is not your favorite playwright unless you’re kind of a freak). Anyway, I feel the need to justify this love because of the looks I get when I mention it. So let me clarify. I do not have a morbid fascination with death, it’s not necromancy, and it’s not related to dark ritualistic practices, crime, or anything remotely bizarre.

Ten Things That Happen When You Wear Handcuffs In Public

Last weekend, my friend and I decided it would be a great idea to handcuff ourselves together and head out to dinner. Why? I mean, why not!? I own a pair of those novelty fuzzy handcuffs as most people my age do (right??? Back me up here…) and I’ve never used them! What an absolute travesty… So clearly the opportune time was immediately.

Once I tried Standup Comedy

Oh shit. I had said it. The ‘S’ word. I called a room full of white dudes a bunch of sexists. In that moment, without even trying, I had become a member of the feared terrorist group, the feminazis. You take ONE women and gender studies class in college and THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.

How I Became A Potter

Check out my photos 🙂 I have a  pottery blog and an Etsy shop!

Once upon a time I was in high school. I took a pottery 1 class as an elective because I needed an art credit and thought that it might be fun. I was wrong about that. I was really incredibly bad at pottery. I could not keep the freaking clay centered and everything I made looked like a stupid lump of ugly crap.