Weird Shit We All Did In Middle School

Just kidding. I bet you didn’t do any of the weird shit that I did!

Middle school is kind of a joke. Middle school is where you send those awful prepubescent gremlins who are in the most awkward and unpleasant phase of their lives. Give them their own special school to destroy so they don’t bother cute little children or stupid but slightly less awkward teenagers. Nothing you do in middle school matters.  Nobody cares what kind of grades you got or how often you were in detention. Nobody cares what you were like at all. You were stupid. Everyone was terrible. It was the worst.

The Origin of my Animal Problem

In case you hadn’t noticed, I have posted at least 2 stories about times I acquired strange pets without considering the consequences and have promised more.

I have a legitimate animal problem. If I see an creature, I want to care for it. I want it to come home and live with me forever and I start daydreaming about the wonderful life my bizarre animals and I will live together. It occurred to me when writing about my elementary school that there is a pretty obvious explanation for what I have deemed my “animal problem.”

Diversity and the Military

I am in a relationship with a member of the US Air Force.

About 5 months ago he left Chicago to begin pilot training in Oklahoma. I recently went to visit him for the first time. While I was there, we went out bowling with a group of officers from base. I want to start by saying I have a lot of respect for the members of our armed forces. I respect much of the work that they do BUT I don’t think it’s a flawless institution. For example, there are not nearly enough females in the Air Force.

Worlds Weirdest Elementary School

 I did not attend what probably anyone would consider a normal elementary school.

My mom was a Montessori teacher who started a new job at this particular school about a year or so after my family had moved to Minnesota for my dad’s job. She decided it would be a good idea for my brothers and I to attend the school she worked at so she could drive us to and from school and be close to us throughout the day. We were all young when we started here. I was entering 2nd grade with my younger brothers entering kindergarten and preschool respectively. I had gone to a Montessori preschool when we lived in Milwaukee and loved it. I didn’t have a problem with the public school I was attending except that they wouldn’t let me write in cursive “because we don’t do that until 4th grade,” but this move certainly made sense.

A Juvenile Arthritis Story

I was referred to a pediatric rheumatologist who would oversee my care for the next year or so. She explained this condition to me. It was an autoimmune disease that caused (among other symptoms) pain, swelling, and stiffness in my joints. I remember being confused. I remember asking my parents if I was allowed to tell my friends at school about my diagnosis. I know I didn’t understand the idea that there were illnesses from which you would not recover… because they had no cure.

The Time I Procured A Guinea Pig

 So we purchased a guinea pig, a cage, and a starter kit with all of the food and accessories we would need to care for this creature. Wonderful. What a fantastic decision. Now all we had to do was take it home…. where was home?? Where were we? Where was the bus stop?? Oh man can you bring a live animal and a giant animal crate on the CTA? How far did we travel? What time was it? Oh my god we must be at least an hour out of the city…

How I Managed to Get Scarves Permanently Banned From My Middle School

 In an attempt to quell my insanity the school decided to ban all scarves from its classrooms permanently. Students were permitted to wear scarves to school and outside during recess, but once indoors the scarves were to stay in our lockers. They never said it but everyone knew it was because I had personally made scarves a hot button issue.

The Time I Wrote A Song So Bad It Was Banned From Summer Camp

I immediately volunteered to sing. He called on the eager 12 year old girl, probably expecting a cute little camp song. After all who would expect a kid to come up with that monstrosity? Let alone perform it for every adult and camper to witness… but we did…The pregnancy song…

How I Convinced my Friends I was Married in 7 Simple Steps!

So we had our epic prank planned. We would leave for a long weekend, without telling anyone. We would simply be MIA, then return with very convincing evidence that we had eloped, leading all of our friends, loved ones, and random facebook acquaintances, to believe that we were married.