The Time I Faked an Internet Pregnancy

I have not posted in forever. Again. I’m so sorry to disappoint the masses who cling to my every word, desperately anticipating my next story. I suck. I really do. Even my mom just texted me, “You’re terrible.” All because I faked a pregnancy on the internet, COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT.

I’ve been distracted lately. Planning for a wedding tends to entirely consume the fragile mind of a woman. I mean, it is true that the female brain is only capable of focusing on one single thing at a time. The prospect of “multitasking” is so overwhelming to ladies, that just hearing the word causes 80% of them to faint on the spot (Source: Science). That’s why there is no such thing as a working mother. Scientists believe that this problem is directly related to menstruation and of course that makes perfect sense.  So for me it has been a challenge to consider anything other than flower arrangements, seating charts, and sparkly shoes.

I was delving into my invitation options when a light bulb suddenly appeared overhead. I thought it rather curious, but I could not focus on light bulbs because I had an idea! I would mail out a double sided invitation. On the front my fiancé and I would be pictured holding a sign that reads, “We’re Expecting.” On the other side the sign would read, “To see you at our wedding.” It was brilliant.

I knew that college writing class would pay off someday! I remembered that the first line of any piece of writing should be carefully crafted to draw the reader in. “We’re expecting” was perfect! It would create anticipation as readers contemplated WHAT we might be expecting… A blizzard? Tacos for dinner? death? Then they would turn the card, and find themselves invited to my wedding. They’d be filled with joy and excitement for the most important day of my life. The day that I would go from being an average unloved woman, to a human man’s permanent property.

I had the most wonderful photos taken! I was so excited I couldn’t wait to send out invitations! My friends were dying to see my beautiful engaged face, and I was dying to flaunt my happiness to frenemies near and far who wouldn’t be lucky enough to receive an invitation. So, I decided to post this photo on Social Media for the benefit of the general public.

Imagine my surprise when I learned that people COMPLETELY misinterpreted my engagement picture! I was simply SHOCKED to find that some had taken this photo to mean I was with child… Do I look pregnant in this picture? Is it because I’m fat?? What an unreasonable assumption! How was I supposed to know that the phrase “we’re expecting” is associated with pregnancy announcements?? And even if I did know, how could I be expected to remember that AND plan a wedding at the same time?!?! I’m a mere woman for Goodness sake!

Ok… I admit it… women are capable of multitasking… Also, I did it on purpose… I put a picture on social media intending to convince people that I was pregnant, as a prank. But to be fair, nowhere does the image say WHAT we are expecting…  Also, everyone lies on the internet. It’s SO easy… How are weirdo’s like me meant to resist the temptation? Plus work is WAY more fun when you’re faking an internet pregnancy. Trust me! You can always pretend you had no idea what people would take “we’re expecting” to mean…It doesn’t work. It especially doesn’t work if you’ve faked a marriage once or twice in recent memory. You can try using any number of terrible excuses.

When that doesn’t work, all you can do is apologize… So…

To my partner: I’m sorry I lied to all of your friends and family. I shouldn’t have faked a pregnancy and included you in this nonsense against your will… Even if you did agree to pose for this photo in the first place… And even if you did sarcastically tell me that YES this prank was a GREAT idea and I should DEFINITELY do it, knowing full well I do not understand sarcasm…

To my Facebook Friends: I know you’re all deeply invested in my reproductive choices. I am so sorry that I broke the unspoken Facebook code of ethics and misinformed you about certain aspects of my life. I should never have lied to any of you about this because it is absolutely your business. After all, the world needs to know if I will be unleashing my hellish spawn anytime soon so they can take all necessary precautions.

To all the real Parents: I hope I didn’t destroy the sanctity of childbearing/rearing for you (like I destroyed the sanctity of marriage with my foolishness). You guys are rock stars and I am not fit to join your ranks.

More Goat Problems

I have always really loved goats. A lot. Perhaps, because I spent many summer’s in Door County when I was growing up. Anyone who’s been there can tell you about the restaurant with the grass roof and the little goat ladder. The place has freaking goats that climb all over the roof and it’s amazing!!!! Maybe it’s just that feeling you get when you look into a goat’s eyes and are met with that soothing and completely vapid expression.

My Civil Union

Have I not told any stories for a month? Oops… I’ve done a million things. Most of them relatively average. WHAT?! I know… Being a grown up is exhausting.

Ummm things I have done…I attended the air and water show in Chicago. It was very crowded,  incredibly hot, rather sandy, and much too loud. I had several adult beverages and drunkenly lamented my deceased dog’s butthole (I didn’t realize until my dog died that the only photo I had of her was of… well…the back and not the front). Perhaps it’s poetic justice that my ass was bitten by a spider at a BBQ the following evening. It could also be entirely unrelated. The results of the formal investigation are still pending.

I guess the most interesting thing I did in recent history was get married. Maybe that’s a story? I didn’t exactly get real married but it was technically more official than my last pretend wedding, as it did involve legally binding paperwork.

Ten Things That Happen When You Wear Handcuffs In Public

Last weekend, my friend and I decided it would be a great idea to handcuff ourselves together and head out to dinner. Why? I mean, why not!? I own a pair of those novelty fuzzy handcuffs as most people my age do (right??? Back me up here…) and I’ve never used them! What an absolute travesty… So clearly the opportune time was immediately.

Once I tried Standup Comedy

Oh shit. I had said it. The ‘S’ word. I called a room full of white dudes a bunch of sexists. In that moment, without even trying, I had become a member of the feared terrorist group, the feminazis. You take ONE women and gender studies class in college and THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.

How I Became A Potter

Check out my photos 🙂 I have a  pottery blog and an Etsy shop!

Once upon a time I was in high school. I took a pottery 1 class as an elective because I needed an art credit and thought that it might be fun. I was wrong about that. I was really incredibly bad at pottery. I could not keep the freaking clay centered and everything I made looked like a stupid lump of ugly crap.

The Time I Lost A Juggling Contest

When you are a theatre major you end up taking some weird classes.You walk away with strange skills that lack practical application and are virtually worthless (monetarily speaking). Don’t get me wrong, I think choosing to major in theatre was absolutely the right choice for me. I am actually working in theatre. Beyond that I certainly use my problem solving and communication skills daily in my ‘real’ job. And maybe I could even find a use for my fantastic Irish dialect if I tried but it would be a stretch.

One skill that has never benefited me and never will, in part because I never mastered it (or even came close) is juggling.

World Naked Bike Ride: Chicago

Then the thunder boomed, the lightening flashed, and the rain began to pour down from the sky. Somehow, my life had led to this moment. This moment where I was naked in the rain with hundreds of strangers.

The Origin of my Animal Problem

In case you hadn’t noticed, I have posted at least 2 stories about times I acquired strange pets without considering the consequences and have promised more.

I have a legitimate animal problem. If I see an creature, I want to care for it. I want it to come home and live with me forever and I start daydreaming about the wonderful life my bizarre animals and I will live together. It occurred to me when writing about my elementary school that there is a pretty obvious explanation for what I have deemed my “animal problem.”