Last weekend, my friend and I decided it would be a great idea to handcuff ourselves together and head out to dinner. Why? I mean, why not!? I own a pair of those novelty fuzzy handcuffs as most people my age do (right??? Back me up here…) and I’ve never used them! What an absolute travesty… So clearly the opportune time was immediately.

We donned our cuffs and headed to our favorite local Mexican restaurant for some tacos and margaritas. Mostly this was an interesting social experiment. Haven’t you spent most nights lying in bed wondering to yourself “WHAT IF I handcuffed myself to my BFF and went out for tacos?? What would happen???” Well now you can put your curiosity to rest because I have the answer. You’re welcome.

Here are the 10 things that happen when you walk around handcuffed to a friend 

1) A lot of people will stare at you

OBVIOUSLY. You’re asking for it. Your crazy is showing. Some look on perplexed, some bemused, and others disapproving…. But it’s Andersonville and everyone there has seen worse (Just last week on my way to work, a fully nude man streaked past my face). Just keep on moving.

2) You may begin to believe you can hide it

Once we were at our table, it wasn’t as noticeable as it had been when we were walking down the bustling sidewalk. We started to feel pretty suave and discreet. It took the hostess a moment to realize. She burst out laughing. It took our server even longer. We could tell when he had finally seen because he got this brief “WTF” look on his face and then avoided us a lot. I would have done the same thing if I were in his shoes.

3) You realize you will be talked about

If I were that server I would have gone back in the kitchen and told everyone to go stare at the weirdoes in the handcuffs with me. We would all come up with detailed theories to explain how these people ended up in this situation. Later you will be the nut job in someone’s work story. “So what kinds of crazy customers do you deal with at work?” …

4) Someone will ask to take  your picture

You won’t want to, but chill. There are more embarrassing photos of you out there in the world.

5) You will feel the need to explain yourself

I said the first thing that came to mind. “I’m trying to start a new fashion trend where you wear your best friend as a bracelet.” In reality, people did not think we were innovative and daring trend-setters. Judging by the looks, it was clear that people thought we were just your run of the mill lesbian couple (perhaps a bit more open with their kinky sex practices, but only slightly).
People assume we are a couple most of the time anyway so we’re used to it. It’s because my best friend did something really gay and cut her hair SHORT. Clearly she likes the ladies. There is no other reason for a woman to make such a fashion choice. None that the general public can fathom anyway, so we embrace the assumptions.

6) At least three dudes on the street will ask you “so does that mean I get to take both of you home??”

That’s right folks, the street harassment doubles. No surprise there. Best response? Catcall back. That’s my philosophy. It helps nobody but it’s kind of empowering so whatever.

7) You will learn that you are capable of eating an entire taco dinner using only your left hand

You go in assuming that you’ll have to loose the cuffs once the meal is on the table. But the margarita in your system will leave you feeling inspired. You will dare to do something you never dreamed you could do. You will eat your entire meal one-handed while your other hand is restrained. It will be messy. It will be weird. At least you’re in it together. This is probably the greatest thing to come out of this excursion. A true life accomplishment and a proud moment for all.

8) Whatever sense of shame you possessed before your outing will die

You will feel uncomfortable and maybe even a little embarrassed for a hot second. Then you will forget that what your doing is anything but average. You will forget that you’re handcuffed to an apparent lesbian. You will forget that shame exists. You will just… be.

9) You will decide to head out to a bar in handcuffs

The shame just died so why not? At this point the street harassment will increase ten-fold but you will also give no F’s.

10) Finally the cuffs will break

The chain will give way at long last, leaving you liberated. Maybe your handcuff will go flying across the room and maybe a gentleman will pick it up, realize what it is, and have a good laugh before handing it back to you.
The experiment was good while it lasted and those novelty handcuffs served me well. But it was truly their time to go. I just couldn’t handle the responsibility…